Hi,
I’m putting this anonymously on a reddit post. Just so the world knows. I don’t think anybody will recognise me but also, I think you will all know who I am. I’m super famous so true anonymity is hard. Plus who wants to be completely anonymous.
I’m making another mega famous movie hit. Its likely to be a cultural moment again. But there’s been a hitch. I just need to say this to somebody. I’ve left in the bits about the oatmilk, because I think it demonstrates a really toxic atmosphere and reinforces the unfairness of the whole situation. Plus I am a brand sponsor for them. Oops.
Here goes.
I thought nothing of it when there was a few extra press on set. I just assumed it was pre-release publicity. A few snaps of the stars, or the star (me). I was happy to oblige. You’ve probably seen them online and in the mags, although not as many as you would expect.
I was a little surprised at their lack of interest in me. I mean, I am the one carrying this project, but there focus seemed a little off. They seemed much more interested in the set and the plot. I mean there is a plot, but I don’t usually worry about the plot until the post production media tour. Plots are not my strongest point, usually I talk about my hair.
So this was unusual. I didn’t question it at the time though. I was too busy honing my craft, making sure my make up was perfect and the camera was getting my best angle. Also oatmilk! They had oatmilk, but not oatmilk from the producer I endorse, so that was making for some tension between me and the Director.
It was a least a week, before I heard anyone refer to the movie as ‘the original’. Again slightly odd, but movie people, we have a language all of our own. Then my agent called about release dates and availability for promotion. She didn’t say anything either.
It was a brief call, and really mostly focussed on the Oatmilk debacle, which was really affecting my performance. There were some shortages apparently, production pipelines, international events (who cares????) affecting things. Dear god, just pay someone to go there and squeeze some oat sheep or whatever. I remember saying that. She said something about oat sheep, that I didn’t catch as I hung up.
I was at an event two weeks after that, dressed by Dior but the wrong oatmilk makes me look bloated, if you look at the pictures you’ll see, so please don’t. I met ‘her’ there. The ‘actress’, up and coming, the new ‘me’. Again I didn’t think that much about it. We were about the same age, to be clear, I think she has had some work done. I clearly haven’t. I was born with a lesser number of ribs and as for my nose and teeth, I was blessed with a flexible nose structure that doesn’t settle until you are in you’re 20’s. It’s a rare gene, not many people have it. And my teeth are naturally white, oatmilk (at least the brand I use) is actually a natural cleaner of enamel, something to do with what the sheep eat, or maybe its bees, or the bees the sheep eat. Its not important. I’m not paid to promote sheep or bees.
The thing is we were in the same room together and naturally the talk turned to work. Actual work as opposed to work done, like I said I am sure she has had some done, I do think I mentioned that earlier. Its it impolite to ask these things and even more impolite to write about them so I will stop.
Anyway she mentioned our upcoming ‘scenes’ together, which I did not know about???? I did not even know she was in the movie! I think it was in my contract about other actresses, about me getting a veto, about top billing and about the right oatmilk. I smiled sweetly and said I couldn’t wait. I do think her teeth are a little yellow, if you see the shots, let me know what you think?
Before I even got to the next party, I called my agent. 2am, she wasn’t awake. Honestly what is she doing at 2am that she is not out of bed. I remembered then she actually doesn’t do any drugs, so perhaps she was doing what other people who don’t do drugs do at 2am. Whatever the hell that is. I’m going to Google that, although as you will see I am doing my best to avoid Google at this point. She fobbed me off with a, ‘lets discuss in the morning’ and said she had good news about the oatmilk.
Firstly! She did not have good news about the oatmilk, it was still at least a week away.
But it turns out that actress and I are doing a few scenes together next week. But it is not at all like you imagine.
I need to say upfront, that the ‘original’, the film I am in, has not been released yet, is not due for release until October. It will fit nicely into awards season.
But people, you will have read about it I know you will.
She is in the remake! She is playing my character IN THE REMAKE!
Now I know the time between the original and the remake is getting lesser, but this film is not even out yet. How is that going to work? I can see it on the street, a bus goes past advertising ‘me’ in the original and the bus coming right after it, has her in the ‘remake’.
There is talk about sequencing, is a fortnight long enough? IT IS NOT!
IT IS NOT! If I wasn’t beholden to a contract and being paid a substantial amount of money plus the freebies you get in awards season I would speak out about it. VERY LOUDLY. Instead I am doing it anonymously on Reddit.
As it is, the official line is, ‘its always wonderful when you’re success can be a catalyst for someone else to do well’. And I have to say that!
What the hell is a catalyst, I hate cats! I wish that other actress a long and painful death and really bad oatmilk as she goes. I want her bloated like a bloat thing while she fades into oblivion on a diet of whatever less beautiful people eat.
And to make it worse I am doing a cameo in the remake, playing the mother of the character that I am in the original but she is in the remake. They are going to age me with either makeup or AI or something. As if it could ever be remotely believable that she is my daughter and I am her mother.
The press is full of, ‘This hasn’t been done before, the remake released two weeks after the original, with a cameo!’.
Critics questioning how long before the remake is released before the original? Does the word ‘original’ still even have meaning anymore?
This is the 21st century people. I don’t know how we got here. Its all over the news and yet nothing about the oatmilk crisis. I’m not political. I don’t have opinions. I am thin. Its always been enough!
The world is changing around me. I know I have to change with it and I am making an effort. I am resolved to get through this. I am strong, although not in the gym sense. Visible muscularity is not for me. I am empowered, although that is via flimsy clothing in photo shoots. I am confidant, although not entirely sure of the spelling of it. I am a team player, provided I am captain and people do what I ask.
Nonetheless I am determined. I am going to change with the times. This week I am resolved. I am going to do something that is going to make a difference to the world.
I am going to wear the same pair of shoes twice in the one week.
I will show them, they cannot mess with me. This is what I am made of.
A Tuesday Latte 