family

I don’t like big crowds so Agri and I had found ourselves a spot right at the top of the steps. The steps were enormous. This was an amphitheatre, a big cement structure where the steps doubled as seats where everyone sat.

We had climbed to the top and taken a seat, not on a step but on the very top of it, the bit that was the wall. We could look down over the back and see the grass way down below us. We had sat there for half the day, in the sun, drinking. Water-we weren’t delinquents, watching the music and laughing and just enjoying our Sunday. We were best friends, neither of us fitted in much with anyone else, and this was a treat for us. I normally hated events like this but this was my favourite band.

It was late afternoon and we were getting ready to go home, because it had just finished. There were people already leaving. The ones at the bottom, who could easily escape, had started to gather their things and move off. I put my bag on the top, where I was still sitting. I sort of twisted around to grab my bag. I guess it was hot and I was excited but also it was finished and I just momentarily lost concentration. Maybe I was momentarily stunned because I hadn’t really thought about quite how high up we were.

As I twisted, my tote bag kind of flung free, maybe I knocked it. I saw it leave the surface, and everything in it, fly through the air. I grabbed for it but it was too late. I looked at Agri, who’d seen it happen but she looked frozen.

I shrieked, at least I heard a shriek so I assume it was me. I got to my feet and started running down the steps. I had to get to my bag. My stuff was splayed out everywhere on the lawn below. They were massive steps because they weren’t normal steps, they were meant for people to sit. I could see Agri, she had finally reacted and gone the other direction and was making her way down.

I was doing the same, pushing and shoving my way and mumbling ‘excuse me’s’. No one seemed to hear or move but I shoved on. I had to get to my stuff before someone else did. It had landed on the grass, away from the path, but someone must have seen it fall and would no doubt claim my phone and my money.

Agri had made it to the bottom by then and she was running in my direction. People seemed to be moving for her, whereas I felt like they were blocking me. She somehow got ahead of me. I shouted her name, but she didn’t seem to hear.

I could see her just ahead when I reached the bottom as she turned to go through the tunnel and out. I called her name again, but there was a lot of noise and she didn’t seem to hear. I could see people clearing the way for her, but not for me. I pushed on. I guess she was the pretty one.

I made it through the tunnel, out onto the grass. I was sure I was going to be bruised from being squished against the walls in the tunnel. I could see Agri still running ahead and then someone grabbed her and stopped her. I could hear her screaming and crying. I didn’t understand why. It was my bag although I had her favourite lipstick in it I suppose.

It took me a moment to take in the whole scene. There was Agri in some strange mans arms. There was my bag on the grass. And there was someone else lying there with people around her.

I recognized my shoes. I saw my shoes. And then I knew. I could hear the paramedic talking, feel her arms on my chest. And for a moment I was in that body, and it was racked with pain, all broken and bloodied. I heard her say it ‘Hold on, stay with me’, but I was so horrified. There was so much pain, blood. I could feel it leaving my body. It hurt, everywhere and there was just no way.

And I could hear Agri screaming and the man still holding her. I could see my phone and my bag and the lipstick and my cards all splayed on the grass and me. I could see me. And I could feel me and it hurt. It hurt everywhere.

‘Hold on’ she said again. But I didn’t. I didn’t want that pain. Poor Agri, hope she got her lipstick back. I let go. I turned around and went to find where the dead people go.

Hi,

I’m putting this anonymously on a reddit post. Just so the world knows. I don’t think anybody will recognise me but also, I think you will all know who I am. I’m super famous so true anonymity is hard. Plus who wants to be completely anonymous.

I’m making another mega famous movie hit. Its likely to be a cultural moment again. But there’s been a hitch. I just need to say this to somebody. I’ve left in the bits about the oatmilk, because I think it demonstrates a really toxic atmosphere and reinforces the unfairness of the whole situation. Plus I am a brand sponsor for them. Oops.

Here goes.

I thought nothing of it when there was a few extra press on set. I just assumed it was pre-release publicity. A few snaps of the stars, or the star (me). I was happy to oblige. You’ve probably seen them online and in the mags, although not as many as you would expect.

I was a little surprised at their lack of interest in me. I mean, I am the one carrying this project, but there focus seemed a little off. They seemed much more interested in the set and the plot. I mean there is a plot, but I don’t usually worry about the plot until the post production media tour. Plots are not my strongest point, usually I talk about my hair.

So this was unusual. I didn’t question it at the time though. I was too busy honing my craft, making sure my make up was perfect and the camera was getting my best angle. Also oatmilk! They had oatmilk, but not oatmilk from the producer I endorse, so that was making for some tension between me and the Director.

It was a least a week, before I heard anyone refer to the movie as ‘the original’. Again slightly odd, but movie people, we have a language all of our own. Then my agent called about release dates and availability for promotion. She didn’t say anything either.

It was a brief call, and really mostly focussed on the Oatmilk debacle, which was really affecting my performance. There were some shortages apparently, production pipelines, international events (who cares????) affecting things. Dear god, just pay someone to go there and squeeze some oat sheep or whatever. I remember saying that. She said something about oat sheep, that I didn’t catch as I hung up.

I was at an event two weeks after that, dressed by Dior but the wrong oatmilk makes me look bloated, if you look at the pictures you’ll see, so please don’t. I met ‘her’ there. The ‘actress’, up and coming, the new ‘me’. Again I didn’t think that much about it. We were about the same age, to be clear, I think she has had some work done. I clearly haven’t. I was born with a lesser number of ribs and as for my nose and teeth, I was blessed with a flexible nose structure that doesn’t settle until you are in you’re 20’s. It’s a rare gene, not many people have it. And my teeth are naturally white, oatmilk (at least the brand I use) is actually a natural cleaner of enamel, something to do with what the sheep eat, or maybe its bees, or the bees the sheep eat. Its not important. I’m not paid to promote sheep or bees.

The thing is we were in the same room together and naturally the talk turned to work. Actual work as opposed to work done, like I said I am sure she has had some done, I do think I mentioned that earlier. Its it impolite to ask these things and even more impolite to write about them so I will stop.

Anyway she mentioned our upcoming ‘scenes’ together, which I did not know about???? I did not even know she was in the movie! I think it was in my contract about other actresses, about me getting a veto, about top billing and about the right oatmilk. I smiled sweetly and said I couldn’t wait. I do think her teeth are a little yellow, if you see the shots, let me know what you think?

Before I even got to the next party, I called my agent. 2am, she wasn’t awake. Honestly what is she doing at 2am that she is not out of bed. I remembered then she actually doesn’t do any drugs, so perhaps she was doing what other people who don’t do drugs do at 2am. Whatever the hell that is. I’m going to Google that, although as you will see I am doing my best to avoid Google at this point. She fobbed me off with a, ‘lets discuss in the morning’ and said she had good news about the oatmilk.

Firstly! She did not have good news about the oatmilk, it was still at least a week away.

But it turns out that actress and I are doing a few scenes together next week. But it is not at all like you imagine.

I need to say upfront, that the ‘original’, the film I am in, has not been released yet, is not due for release until October. It will fit nicely into awards season.

But people, you will have read about it I know you will.

She is in the remake! She is playing my character IN THE REMAKE!

Now I know the time between the original and the remake is getting lesser, but this film is not even out yet. How is that going to work? I can see it on the street, a bus goes past advertising ‘me’ in the original and the bus coming right after it, has her in the ‘remake’.

There is talk about sequencing, is a fortnight long enough? IT IS NOT!

IT IS NOT! If I wasn’t beholden to a contract and being paid a substantial amount of money plus the freebies you get in awards season I would speak out about it. VERY LOUDLY. Instead I am doing it anonymously on Reddit.

As it is, the official line is, ‘its always wonderful when you’re success can be a catalyst for someone else to do well’. And I have to say that!

What the hell is a catalyst, I hate cats! I wish that other actress a long and painful death and really bad oatmilk as she goes. I want her bloated like a bloat thing while she fades into oblivion on a diet of whatever less beautiful people eat.

And to make it worse I am doing a cameo in the remake, playing the mother of the character that I am in the original but she is in the remake. They are going to age me with either makeup or AI or something. As if it could ever be remotely believable that she is my daughter and I am her mother.

The press is full of, ‘This hasn’t been done before, the remake released two weeks after the original, with a cameo!’.

Critics questioning how long before the remake is released before the original? Does the word ‘original’ still even have meaning anymore?

This is the 21^st century people. I don’t know how we got here. Its all over the news and yet nothing about the oatmilk crisis. I’m not political. I don’t have opinions. I am thin. Its always been enough!

The world is changing around me. I know I have to change with it and I am making an effort. I am resolved to get through this. I am strong, although not in the gym sense. Visible muscularity is not for me. I am empowered, although that is via flimsy clothing in photo shoots. I am confidant, although not entirely sure of the spelling of it. I am a team player, provided I am captain and people do what I ask.

Nonetheless I am determined. I am going to change with the times. This week I am resolved. I am going to do something that is going to make a difference to the world.

I am going to wear the same pair of shoes twice in the one week.

I will show them, they cannot mess with me. This is what I am made of.

The Bag

The Remake