An ode to my lists

Posted on by tuesdaylatte 
I sometimes wonder, 
In the dead of night,
If all of my to-do lists,
Don't up and come to life.?

Do they dance around,
around my sleeping head?
Competing for attention,
All wanting to be read.

Do they talk amongst themselves,
Whilst I lie asleep?
Do they decry my lack of action,
my lack of progress, do they weep?

Do they wonder what might happen,
When each item is crossed off?
Do they know that never happens,
All written by the queen of sloth.

Do they wait patiently for New Year?
For a sense of a start anew,
Does one of them run a betting shop,
taking bets on what I'll do?

Do they fight to be the top list,
The one I'm currently adding to?
Or is it safer at the bottom,
where they know they'll never move?

I should stop making lists at all.
I should sort out my life.
But now I'm really worried,
That I'd be condemning them to die.

If you like it hit the button or just add it to your to-do list and do it later

Water-logged Part 2

Posted on by tuesdaylatte

In the back of my head.

Words trickle,

Trickle out.

A poem I can’t remember

Formed of words I can’t forget

The way stones know their wet,

But know nothing at all.

The words, like water

Rushing over the rocks

Taking tiny fragments of me.

With them.

Somewhere else,

Eroding,

Erupting,

An inopportune moment

I should have had a notebook.

With me.

At all times.

To write it down.

I can almost taste them

The words

On my tongue

All sticky and stuck

Sediment in the creek

The taste of days gone by

Water moved on

Of cafes and restaurants and coffee shops

Of joy and laughter

Without knowing there was an end

An end.

Coming.

Rushing towards us.

After all that we have been through,

That we did not see

Yet have to comprehend

The words won’t come

The smile won’t stay

The rhythm and the pace

I’m waterlogged today.

If you like it, hit the button!

Water-logged

Posted on by tuesdaylatte

It’s a long road home

Pock-marked

Twisted

A way

Away back

Let it sink

Down

And

Per-co-late

And still time

Still time was not

Did not

Wait

It marched on

Forcing my hand

I just wanted to put

Down

Put down my bag

And not walk again

I just wanted to put

Down

Put down my words

And not speak again

But still words

The words still

Tumbled out

Tumbled out

Garbled

Water-logged

I spoke without stopping

Into the noise without being heard.

If you like it, hit the button.

Unbeing

Posted on by tuesdaylatte 
I am unbeing
I have thought myself into it

Into unbeing

I am like flotsam
Floating out across the ocean

I am real, not real

You can try and pluck me from the water
But I will slip from your grasp

Because I have ceased to be

I hide under the duvet
And there is form and shape

But there is no matter here

I puff and I pant
with my hand between my legs

Just so I feel something

But if I touch no one
And no one touches me

Am I real

In here, in the morass of
Nowhere and everywhere

I have somehow made myself disappeared

I am unbeing. 

And I cannot find a way back. 

If you like it, hit the button.

	


	



					
						


	

		
Resonance

				

			Posted on  by tuesdaylatte		

			


	
	
			


	

		






There's an echo of movement, 
In these tired limbs
A sense of where they've once been
Of maybe what they once did

We are wedged here in limbo
Between the living and the dead
Between the dead and the nearly dead
We struggle through the day

Buoyed by a silence
A screaming moment
Free of the sound of sirens
Before they blast out into the night again

And then 
In the darkness of the Autumn
All of it
It, Re-sounds

The noise again and again
Louder
And loudening
Out across the landscape

An echo of a time we thought past
But the dead are walking towards us again
Silently, fearful,
Clutching at breath

We are bound, gagged, chained
Enslaved to these silent horrors
They happen outside of us
Yet stain the inside somehow

Scarring us in words we cannot find
The tap of keys on a keyboard
That is not a voice
It is an artifice

Without being heard
And somewhere a heart beats
Beats
Beats
Beats
And stops
And its not the noise that resonates with us
It is the silence
Echoing outwards
Ever closer
Towards us.
And we are not delivered.

















































































	


	



					
						


	

		
Sometimes it feels

				

			Posted on  by tuesdaylatte		

			


	
	
			


	

		
Sometimes it feels as if


We live in a dark place

A moment in time

 

Where there are more tears

Than laughter

 

More clouds over head

Moments when the sun 

 

Won’t shine

 

There is before 

And there is after

 

They knit together

Imperfectly

 

There is a tear

And a tear


I close my eyes

 

When all is nothing

And no one seems to hear

 

In the hours of darkness

And there have been a few


Look deep down inside yourself

On the inside there is you

 

If you like it, hit the button

	


	



					
						


	

		
Compressing Water

				

			Posted on  by tuesdaylatte		

			


	
	
			


	

		
And I just 

 

Stepped 

 

Out

Into the world

 

That looked the same

But was somehow

 

Different

 

Straggled hair

And dusty shoes

 

I wasn’t sure my legs would even carry me

 

I stood in the takeaway

And I felt 

 

Normal

 

How it used to feel

I closed my eyes to 

The stacked chairs and tables

I didn’t look at the shiny new stickers on the floor

 

I pretended not to see 


Haggard tired eyes

Or hear the fraught 


Kindness in the voices

I smiled

 

My face unused to the exercise

 

I went back 

To a different time

In my head, 

There was noise and laughter

The ghosts of happiness 

Footsteps, light and free

Haunted the tiles


Where I stood


Adrift in a fantasy world


I sucked in air

It was like 


Pressing down on water


My hands dripping wet

With nothing to show for the effort

 

Because whatever was here

Is gone now

 

I could only remake it in my head

I clutched a bag 

Of soggy, greasy food

All the way home

 

I wafted the smell of hot chips 

Through my kitchen

With tears in my eyes

I fondled polystyrene

Lovingly looking at the limp cheese

And chewing on cardboard meat

 

I remember this

Gone are the days of everything

I settle for less 

When I buy toiletries


In half filled streets

Pale, sunlight starved, stupefied masses

Are making their way out

As if the zombies have been 


Re-lifed

 

What happened when I was cocooned 

In lockdown 


Maybe it wasn’t real

Real was somewhere 


Outside 


I think I have cabin fever

But no fever 

Because then I would need a test

My words run on and on 

For so long there has been 

Nothing to say

No self improvement

 

For so long there has been 

A quiet waiting

The only voices

The ones in my head

A quiet piece of music

A stiltified song unsung


Like pressing my hands 


Down through the 

thick 

deep

water


A noise, lyrical and loud


But not a song


The world off kilter


And I feel all wrong


 

If you like it, hit the button

	


	



					
						


	

		
Look Away

				

			Posted on  by tuesdaylatte		

			


	
	
			


	

		
You think there is a time

For going back

A way of looking over


Shoulders


Seeing the past

And figuring it all out

Accounting for the loss


The losses


A time to measure

To recalibrate

To understand


Grief


But it is all just lost

To the lords and ladies of time

They are dancing in a room


Without you


You can look behind

To the side

Up, down


Askance


But it is a dance

A slow summer waltz with demons

Only you can see


The past


But most often

It is best to shut it out

Close your eyes


Look away


Because the losses are

Enormous

And real


Be true and honest


The incalculable number of coffins

Hang your head

Look carefully at your hands


Your hands


Look at your hands

Are they stained

Or are you imagining


It


Did you dream


It


Wake in the nightmare

Before

Or after


It


It is real

It happened

But its easiest not to look


To look away


Askance

That slow summer dance

When you think of


Before


That was just different

Different

A different day


Downtrodden


We the foot soldiers

Tired and weary of war

Have to look


Forward


We have to soldier on

Like men with guns

Shuddering in the wake of the bullets


And the bombs


There are no guns here

If there were

We might turn them on


Ourselves


They tell us

Its not so bad you see

We all wake to a brand new day

We’ll move ahead

But in a different way

Look forward

Not back

Look ahead

It’s a bright new day

A different way


But we can’t look ahead


We can only look away

	


	



					
						


	

		
Crowded Out

				

			Posted on  by tuesdaylatte		

			


	
	
			


	

		
Atmosphere!

 

I am,

 

Crowded out.

 

There is space

 

But I can’t seem to fill it

 

There’s a lot of noise 

Mostly in my head

 

Its there when I wake

And when I go to bed

 

I can’t discern, decipher

Its like a jack hammer

 

I reach out


But I falter, I fall, I stammer


I try to take hold of time


To hold it in my hand

It slips from my grasp

In ways I don’t understand


My words don’t flow


There’s a lot of thinking

But there’s nowhere for it to go

 

What we’re going through is 


Monumental


Stuck in a room

It feels a bit less 

Fundamental

 

I haven’t done what I intend

I didn’t do it now

I didn’t do it then

 

The list just grows longer


And time just seems to bend


The tunnel ahead seems more narrow

I forget yesterday

Before I’ve done today


It has passed into tomorrow


I wake in the dark

Convinced I’m under water

I sit with my head in my hands


I think I drowned 


And haven’t noticed yet


I wander in the garden

Wondering why I’m wet


In the dead of night

I tell myself I’m healthy

So I should be alright

 

I kneel by the pond

I want to swim in a river

Its cold outside

 

But I can’t seem to shiver

 

The world just started slipping

It kept on gliding by

I turned away from the window

Stared at the sky

 

Its all gone now

Everything  was yesterday

I cling onto my sanity

 

I hang onto my brain

I’ve stopped waiting for the sunshine

And learned to live in rain. 


If you like it hit the button

 

	


	



					
						


	

		
Unwild me now

				

			Posted on  by tuesdaylatte		

			


	
	
			


	

		
In the dead of night

Fingers,

Unfurl 

In the darkness

Eyes open and close

 

This is a world on its knees

There are lights here 

But no one can see

 

She says who are you?

In the dusky gloom

Comes an answer

Fully formed



Out of my mouth 

Before I can think

I don’t know

 

Anymore

 

I am no longer a fixed point

I live outside my body

Twixt

The rooms, the furniture

The functions

I am shrunken



I inhabit the world around me

But it has faded

And I have grown

 

Smaller

 

There is no one here

I must have misheard

That was a voice 

On the edge of the darkness

Was I awake or

Asleep

The words came 



On the cusp

Of consciousness

So they seemed real

 

And the answer was true

I don’t remember who I am

Only the furniture I use

 

Unwild me now please

Give me structure

Give me bars

Paint my cage with rules

Pedicure, manicure

Haircut

Tim, taut, tan

Make me up 

Because

Turns out

I was made up




The trappings of being 

Somebody

Civilisation




Are gone

 

There is some- body

Left here I suppose

Arms, legs, 

A vague idea

Of being

But me has floated away


Downstream



I lie here in the early dawn

Firm in the knowledge

I am not any- body

Yet I am not anybody

 

Anymore

 

It takes my breath away

But no one sees

So still I breathe

I wake to routine

To tapping on a keyboard

In an airless room

And I am still unsure

If I don’t touch the keys

How is it words still appear

 

How do I know

How can I tell

If I am even here

 

And then the groceries 

Arrive

And there is reprieve

Real people eat

I must be something

Sometime once

I am sure now

But I was half this morning

And I remember now, 

Once I was complete

 

If you like it, hit the button